Stinky. That was what I was called in elementary school, and it didn’t go away in middle school or high school. I earned the name because I didn’t bathe like I should’ve. While doing today’s Bible study, I was forced to face up to that part of my past that caused the most pain and tears as a child, an adolescent, and an adult. It’s very difficult in this culture to avoid the anti-bully mentality and the victimization of society as a whole. For the first time, someone told me to take ownership of how I caused those names to be used. It was my choices that led to someone else causing me to cry. It is so easy to place all blame outwardly, and not deal with our own causation. When I wrote the words, I felt this huge relief. I have finally left that in the dust. Tears and all.
With each step of this journey, I’m turning to face each and every aspect of what has caused me fear, anxiety, sadness, and depression. I’m opening the door, speaking the name of the emotion that has rotted in that room out loud, and then walking away with the door open. I wish I had done this long ago, but I realize I didn’t have “they eyes to see, nor the ears to hear.” Matthew 13:16
Just recently I spoke with my favorite counselor regarding this blogging journey. She spoke to me about how some people are sitting in a big rotten stinky pit of gunk (I’m not going to use her full descriptive narrative- needless to say it involved bits of corn… eww) We have been in this pit of gunk for so long, that we can no longer find a way out of it, and we begin to believe that we belong there. We feel like we deserve to be there, so we sit there, wallowing in our own misery. Tears fell from eyes like never before when she said those words. She was describing ME! And with that very moment, I realized that this blog is important for me to get out of my pit of gunk.
This Quest, and the feelings that I put on this blog, are the ladder and rope to get me to safety. I will admit to all I’ve done wrong, to pray for forgiveness from those I’ve wronged, and to resolve issues to ensure I don’t continue to do wrong. For today’s task, I’m taking back my name. Because my name holds a history of ups and downs, positives and negatives, good decisions and bad. Hello. My name is Sandy Sonju Cutchin, and I am God’s child…